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[written August 14, 2008]

Today at lunch, my father was telling me about a math book he'd read written by Winnie Cooper from "The Wonder Years." This resulted in a conversation about child celebrities who turned out well. Obviously, Winnie Cooper was a success story - my parents, whatever faults they have, have always placed a premium on education. Ron Howard got a thumbs up from my father. And then my mother tossed out her nomination.

"You know who turned out well?" she said. "Kirk Cameron."

Longtime readers of the blog can probably guess how I feel about "Mike Seaver," but for anyone who is wondering, my response - another shining example of a mouth that works faster than the speed of thought - should clarify any misunderstandings.

"Really?" I blurted, my voice one notch too loud, "I just figured he'd gone fucking crazy."

Yes, I dropped the f-bomb on my mother. I'm a horrible son, and if there is a hell, I'm likely going to it. Thanks for pointing it out.

But what actually stopped the conversation dead in its tracks was the implication to my mother, herself far more religious (and fundamentalist) than I am often able to look directly at (or, as this comment proved, able to actually fully register), that anyone could think the star of movies like Left Behind could be crazy. The real story though - to my mind, at least - is what followed in the ensuing silence.

Realizing immediately that I'd effectively stood on the table and shouted "CHECK PLEASE!" in nothing but my undies, my mind began to try to justify the comment to myself.

"Well, it's not like you'd let Kirk Cameron babysit for you." Only, probably, my mom would've.

And then it turned into a game. In the game, I imagined that you'd pick two former child celebrities, and you'd have to choose: which of these two would you let babysit your child? Base it on whatever you know about them. Think about whatever True Hollywood stories you've seen or VH1's Where Are They Now moments. Shake it up and see what you come up with. Dana Plato vs Kirk Cameron? Danny Bonaduce or Kirk Cameron? Corey Haim. Tood Bridges. Fred Savage. That kid from E.T. In almost every case, I think, Kirk Cameron would not be my child's baby sitter. Even in the cases of the coked up, gun toting, felons, it's a toss up for me.

Don't believe me? Try it in the comments. It's pretty useful to see where you land ideologically.