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[written August 14, 2008]

Today at lunch, my father was telling me about a math book he'd read written by Winnie Cooper from "The Wonder Years." This resulted in a conversation about child celebrities who turned out well. Obviously, Winnie Cooper was a success story - my parents, whatever faults they have, have always placed a premium on education. Ron Howard got a thumbs up from my father. And then my mother tossed out her nomination.

"You know who turned out well?" she said. "Kirk Cameron."

Longtime readers of the blog can probably guess how I feel about "Mike Seaver," but for anyone who is wondering, my response - another shining example of a mouth that works faster than the speed of thought - should clarify any misunderstandings.

"Really?" I blurted, my voice one notch too loud, "I just figured he'd gone fucking crazy."

Yes, I dropped the f-bomb on my mother. I'm a horrible son, and if there is a hell, I'm likely going to it. Thanks for pointing it out.

But what actually stopped the conversation dead in its tracks was the implication to my mother, herself far more religious (and fundamentalist) than I am often able to look directly at (or, as this comment proved, able to actually fully register), that anyone could think the star of movies like Left Behind could be crazy. The real story though - to my mind, at least - is what followed in the ensuing silence.

Realizing immediately that I'd effectively stood on the table and shouted "CHECK PLEASE!" in nothing but my undies, my mind began to try to justify the comment to myself.

"Well, it's not like you'd let Kirk Cameron babysit for you." Only, probably, my mom would've.

And then it turned into a game. In the game, I imagined that you'd pick two former child celebrities, and you'd have to choose: which of these two would you let babysit your child? Base it on whatever you know about them. Think about whatever True Hollywood stories you've seen or VH1's Where Are They Now moments. Shake it up and see what you come up with. Dana Plato vs Kirk Cameron? Danny Bonaduce or Kirk Cameron? Corey Haim. Tood Bridges. Fred Savage. That kid from E.T. In almost every case, I think, Kirk Cameron would not be my child's baby sitter. Even in the cases of the coked up, gun toting, felons, it's a toss up for me.

Don't believe me? Try it in the comments. It's pretty useful to see where you land ideologically.

Stupid Driver Games

[Added from journal notes on the road, but published with the appropriate date]

Being from Texas, maybe I'm a bit more used to long drives than some. I find myself laughing a bit here, as when I was in graduate school, when people would complain that a 90 minute drive was a long one. Drives home from school used to be three hours at least, and drives around where I grew up could run 30 to 45 minutes on a good day.

One of the thing that happens when you get used to driving - and I love road trips - is that you start to develop little games to help the time pass. I guess we do that - or I do - with any task that drags on.

This last drive, I spent a lot of time thinking about how I'd leave clues for loved ones to find me if I had to disappear. You know, if I were a spy and had to flee the area. I spend more than a little time with stupid James Bond-esque thoughts when I'm driving. Or wishing I had some sort of violent telekinesis so I could explode bad drivers out of my way. But that only happens sometimes. Mostly.

Anyway, the point is - as much as there is one - is the extent we go to for distraction.

When I was in banking, I used to find myself planning all the ways I could steal from the bank. Probably everyone has thoughts like that who worked there; some people even tried it. It seemed like their concern was always how much they could get away with. But it always seemed to me they were focused on the wrong thing. That's why they got caught - because they were focused on what they could get and not on how it would work. The secret, I figured, wasn't not getting caught, but in using the time till you get caught most effectively.

So on the road, thinking about who I'd contact - and how - if I suddenly had to disappear. Just like with the bank scenario, thinking about disappearing means thinking about what the real problem might be.

Assuming you wanted to disappear, but you wanted to be found, the trick isn't getting people to look, it would be getting them to look at the right time. So I'd try to pick one thing I loved that they'd have no interest in - probably a book or an album - and leave the clues there. And from there it would just be a scavenger hunt, right? Then the trick is just deciding where you'd want them to find you.

I'm thinking a beach in Thailand.