Curmudgeon Vs. The Gym

So, I've been going back to the gym for a few weeks now. I'm sore and tired. And though I'm sure there are plenty of compelling reasons why I should go and why I should like it, I don't.

I grew up with a body image issue or two. Not the usual sort. I've got scars from multiple surgeries that stuck out in gym. And I've got a couple of apparent ticks that, particularly growing up, made life a bit difficult. Going to the gym wasn't going to help with any of those things; nothing was. But those things did, as many things do, made me stubborn in unpredictable ways. I decided fairly early on that I wasn't going to worry too much about how I appeared (beyond being clean and well-kept, that is). And for awhile that worked.

Fact is, I'm a big guy. I've been a big guy ever since puberty started to kick my butt around. I went from being the scrawny kid who could run sprints to the guy that the shot put coach (had any of the schools I attended had one) would've been courting. And I'm mostly okay with it. But the thing of it is, I'm just insecure enough that I'm doing something I don't like in hopes it'll make some small bit of difference in the social realm.

This last weekend, as I was out enjoying concerts and such, I spent a bit of time with a good friend, who is a bit of a health nut. He's well-meaning, but he couldn't imagine that I didn't enjoy going to the gym. So, even though I'm going, here's why I don't like the gym.

First: I do not believe in exercise highs.

I know there are people who love it. I've heard all the stories of endorphin highs and how much better you feel after you work out. It's crap, as near as I can tell. I had been going to the gym for about a year, plus regular attempts at swimming for a year before that (meaning that I went in the water and enjoyed myself in spite of my inability to do anything but a crooked backstroke). I went biking and hiking back in the day. I ran track when I was younger. And I have never once felt that high.

I can only assume that people who feel that high - and I've no doubt they do - are also the same people who sway their hands at concerts or feel the Holy Spirit or something. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm just not one of you.

Second: Whether they're having fun or not, gym people are creepy.

It doesn't take long, once you're at the gym, to realize that exercise equipment brings out in a significant number of people the inner weirdos. There's the guy who grunts even when on the slowest speed on the treadmill. There are the people who look everyone up and down. There are the people who don't actually sweat. And if you go to a snazzy membership sort of gym - you know, the sort of place where the employees all wear break-away, identical exercise uniforms - odds are, at least three of the employees are hanging over the edge of some hot person's equipment trying to chat them up.

Third: I don't particularly believe that living longer is better.

A colleague once tried to explain to me that we all have a set number of heartbeats that our hearts are capable of. This was, to their mind, some undeniable proof that we should exercise. I, however, think it proves that we should relax as much as possible. If their notion is correct, exercise seems like it would only use up those heartbeats.

But that aside, I've watched what happens to at least a few people as they get older - and I know a bit of my own family's history - and honestly, who are you kidding? Joint pain, back and body aches, heart problems, slow driving, bland food. And no one mentions how going to the gym is an excellent way of simulating all of that.