Assorted Lines from the Journal

The heater in my apartment makes strange creaking noises in the walls. I was to go to a party, but I couldn't. I felt sick. Groups make me tired, even on good days: all that networking and shaking hands and small talk. There was work to do and nothing to come home to, so why leave?

I don't go down the back stairs. I cannot look at the park.

I don't look under the coat I wore, collapsed over all those things. I thought I'd give it away for its proximity, but now I can't stand to lift it.

I try not to sneeze. For whatever reason, you loved that. Each sneeze, a phantom limb.

There's no snow out. Finally, I had something good to say about it: that it gave you a little pleasure to eat once, to run through. Perhaps I am cold enough without it now.

My friends are blooming with babies. Thinking of it in the shower, I coughed out to the steam and the empty room: it's springtime somewhere.

At night, I wake up - less now, but still too often - and reach to your empty spot. Sighing, I repeat to myself that there is work to be done, even if there is nothing to come home to.


4 Responses to “Assorted Lines from the Journal”
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Belle said...

It may be too soon, but please think about rescuing a pup. There are so many who need your touch, your time, your love. And it sounds like you might need them too.

I went nearly 7 years without a pet after mine died (like yours, actually). And it was far too long. Think about it. You know he'd want you to do it.

December 20, 2009 at 3:39 PM
JaneB said...

This post sums up so well the pain of losing an animal companion. Much sympathy...

December 20, 2009 at 3:59 PM
Anonymous said...

For a semester I couldn't have gotten a new pet because it wouldn't have been my deceased pet, but then I couldn't stand the empty house and went down to the animal shelter.

December 20, 2009 at 6:37 PM
Anonymous said...

Oh Dr. C! You make me so sad. I'm so sorry that you are going through this hard time -- and at the hellish holidays too. Absolutely the worst.

I second the new puppy idea -- but only when you are ready, and it doesn't sound like that is yet.

Right now: grieve.

December 21, 2009 at 5:19 AM